MADRID — An armada of Mayan, Aztec and Inca soldiers and sailors landed on the Spanish coast early today and claimed the land in the name of a new united kingdom of Native Americans. Residents of the southern Spanish city of Cadiz woke to thousands of brightly plumed warriors disembarking from canoes who quickly planted their flags and began an occupation military experts are calling “phenomenal.”
“It’s like DDay out there,” said Gen. Hugo Umberto Sanchez Ortega de la Barrera, head of the Spanish army. ” They completely slipped under our radar, and they were already on the outskirts of Madrid before we could scramble our troops. We’re toast.”
The entire Spanish government and the Spanish royal family reportedly slipped across the French border, barely escaping capture. Native engineers fell upon the newly empty government buildings and began dismantling them, saying they will use the material to build pyramids and temples.
“We’re going to build right over their structures,” said Balbino Itza, head of the Native engineers. “In a few months, you won’t recognize the place.”
Singer Ricky Martin who was in Spain to marry his partner Carlos Gonzalez, canceled tonight’s performance in Madrid. His plane was the last one to take off before the airport came under attack and was occupied by Native forces, officials said. Videos of Martin fighting back Spanish priests who were trying to force their way on to the plane have gone viral.
“Those priests can fend for themselves,” Martin said via a cellphone conversation with Ellen DeGeneres, who played the recording on her show. “They were such badasses when they were burning down the Mayan and Aztec cities back when. Now they wanna run. Guess they’re not such badasses now. It’s no fun when the rabbit has the gun, is it?”
UN officials met in an emergency meeting to determine if troops should be sent to Spain to force the Natives to halt their assault. After a few minutes of deliberation, the officials decided Spain had it coming. They did try, however, to place a call to Native leaders. The calls were answered with a blistering response.
“Oh now the UN wants to get involved,” said Allied Native Commander Cuahtemoc Batun. “Where were they when Spain landed on our shores? No one said a word while they took their time looting us for hundreds of years. Well, pay back is a motherf****r.”
Batun said they have no plans to leave Spain, and, in fact, have sent a smaller army to occupy Portugal. They have no immediate plans to take France, but Batun said that could change if tribes from the United States decide to join the occupying forces.
“We attended some of the preinvasion meetings, and we’re monitoring the battle,” said Simon Great Horse, spokesperson for the various tribes in the United States. “We supplied our Mayan, Aztec and Inca cousins with intel and arms, but we haven’t passed a resolution to join the invasion yet. We’ve got this pow wow in Oklahoma next week, so we’re a little tied up with that.”
UN peacekeepers reported Spaniards are fleeing in advance of the Native soldiers, and the Spanish government in exile has appealed to the English for help.
“Yeah, like that’s going to happen,” said Queen Elizabeth II. “We already signed a deal with the Natives. In exchange for some chocolate, pumpkins and corn, we’re going to turn an eye to what they’re doing in Spain. I just hope they decide to kick some French ass, too.”
Native generals refused CNN correspondent Anderson Cooper’s offer for an interview. Instead the generals commandeered his plane and loaded it with gold and silver.
“We’re just taking back what was stolen from us,” Batun said. “You might want to stand back. We’re about to torch this bitch.”
Batun said he was referring to the city of Madrid when he said “bitch” and didn’t mean he was setting fire to Ann Coulter.