HONOLULU — Safeway officials on Friday announced the hiring of a security czar and deputy to combat the rash of shoplifting incidents that are decimating company profits.
“We’ve had it,” said Safeway spokesperson Lindsay Lohan. “These people think they can just walk in and munch on our gourmet sandwiches while they shop and then ‘forget’ to pay for them. Well, we’re cracking down on that business. Who do they think they are? I would never do something like that.”
Lohan said beginning immediately, former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and former Vice President Dick Cheney will head a newly formed security department that will monitor shoplifting activities and implement counter-shoplifting measures.
“You’re going to see a whole different kind of store,” said Rumsfeld. “No more shenanigans. You want to sample one of the grapes? Go ahead. Make my day.”
Lohan said Rumsfeld and Cheney bring with them years of experience dealing with terrorists whose goal is to bankrupt Safeway with strategies such as forgetting to pay for a sandwich.
“We have information that confirms the shoplifting attack was long in planning,” Lohan said. “We now know that woman and her husband spent years developing and tweaking their plan to infiltrate the Safeway store in Honolulu, eat a sandwich and then pretend they forgot to pay for it. It was a highly developed plan, and we believe they had the support of Pakistan, Iran and Oklahoma.”
Lohan is referring to the recent incident that landed a pregnant woman and her husband in jail after they forgot to pay for a sandwich they ate while shopping at a Safeway store. After the couple paid for the $50 worth of groceries they bought, they were apprehended and jailed for failing to pay for the sandwich. Officials took their 3-year-old daughter into state custody, but she was returned to the couple 18 hours later after they posted a $50 bail.
“They’re lucky I wasn’t already in charge,” Cheney said. “I’d of had them strapped to a water board faster than they could say ham on rye.”
Lohan said the decision to hire a security czar was made after several minutes of analyzing the situation.
“As you know, we don’t rush into anything serious without having all the facts,” she said. “Those people, if not brought down, will continue with their dangerous behavior.”
“What’s next?” he asked. “Thumping the melons?”