HOG JAW, ARKANSAS — Members of a rural Baptist church are celebrating the end of a month-long investigation into allegations that its pastor and the church secretary were dancing. The scandal erupted Oct. 1 when the pastor’s 10-year-old son reported to church officials what he thought were signs of his father and the secretary engaged in the forbidden act of moving to music.
“Our findings confirm that Brother Aubrey Jean and his secretary, Jewel Mae, were not dancing, as his son suspected,” said Southern Baptist Convention President Bryan Wright. “They were only having sex standing up. This was all a misunderstanding. Now that we know the truth, the furor will die down, and we can go back to our business of attacking women, gays and red fingernail polish.”
Wright said red fingernail polish is the color preferred by harlots, and the church has spent millions of dollars on a campaign against it.
“We’re working on a campaign right now to get that slutty company Maybelline shut down,” Wright said. “All this painting of the face and nails is a bad business. Only one reason a woman wants to get all gussied up like that. They wanna go honky-tonkin’. Next thing you know they’re out there dancing’.”
The pastor’s wife, Dora Lee, said she’s relieved to know her husband and his secretary were only having sex and not dancing.
“I was mighty embarrassed about it,” she said. “When I thought there were dancing, I could barely hold my head up, what with all the gossip and all. Turns out they were just having sex. I should have known my husband would never compromise his values.”