THE PENTAGON — United States naval ships patrolling the Atlantic Ocean reported Friday the movement of a large armada of ships apparently headed toward the Americas. The ships are flying the flags of several European nations.
“There are probably 1,000 ships out there,” said Lt. Commander Jordan Wilkes, spokesman for the Navy’s Fleet Force Command. “And they’re headed right for us. It looks like an invasion force.”
Wilkes said Air Force and Navy planes are monitoring the ships, which, so far, haven’t responded to calls from concerned U.S., Canadian and Mexican government officials.
“We don’t know what they’re doing,” said Mexican President Felipe Calderon, “but the last time ships flying the Spanish flag came to Mexico, well you can just say it wasn’t a good thing.”
Wilkes said President Barack Obama called the European leaders to ask what their ships are doing running about the ocean in such a fashion without American permission, but the receptionists in each country told Obama “no one was in.” Finally, though, an American sailor who has a cousin whose sister-in-law is married to the brother of the nephew of one of the lawyers who successfully defended Amanda Knox in her appeal, called his Italian relation to see if any news of the invasion force was on European television.
“Oh, it’s all over the news,” said Angelo Rossi. “You know we’ve been having this economic crisis over here, so the European Union is saying that the only way we can recover is to go invade the Americas again.”
Rossi said the invasion is Spain’s idea.
“They figured they might have left behind a little bit of gold and silver in Mexico,” he said.
In the U.S., news of the imminent invasion spread rapidly throughout the Native American community. Tribal leaders, however, said they had developed a plan for just such an emergency years ago.
“The Europeans caught us with our guard down last time, but it’s not going to happen again,” said Cherokee Nation spokesman John Mankiller. “This time we’ve got something for them. Oh yeah, baby. Have we got something for those bastards. And we’re not talking about blankets laced with tuberculosis germs, either. Oh, you wanna buy Manhattan for a few beads? OK, come make a deal with us now.”
Military experts said today the Native Americans, flush with casino profits, have purchased arms from an undisclosed country and are now armed and “chomping at the bit” for a rematch with the Europeans.
It seems they’re not the only ones. A coalition of American, Canadian, Mexican and South American military forces were moved in place to repel the expected attacks, although officials say they’re not certain yet where the invading forces will land.
“We’re not waiting for them, though,” said a White House official. “No, sir. We’ve got a call in to Israel to ask if they can return those missiles we just sold them, and as soon as we get them back, then we’ll blow that Euro trash right out of the water.”
Wilkes said he had alerted his superiors to the possibility of an attack days ago after he saw an increase in communication traffic between Great Britain and Hugh Grant, who was vacationing in New York.
“They didn’t fool me for one bit,” Wilkes said. “But would anyone listen to me? Noooooo. Well, we’ll see who’s the smarty pants now.”
Sarah Palin, the rogue Republican leader known for political gaffs and a bus tour to nowhere, landed in Washington, D.C., after swinging on a rope tree to tree, bellowing the Tarzan yell. After taking the machete out from between her teeth, Palin called out to Americans.
“Don’t worry, people,” she said. “See us Republicans knew something like this was gonna happen. That’s why we’ve already taken all the money in all the banks in the county and stored it in our accounts in countries where there are no banking disclosure laws and no extradition treaties. Oh, and we have all the gold, too. See, when the Europeans get here and find out we don’t have anything, then they’ll just say, ‘Oh, our bad,’ and they’ll go home.”
Palin assured everyone that she and other Republican leaders would return all the money as soon as the Europeans leave.
Texas Gov. Rick Perry, mumbling on the sidelines, said to his aide, “Dagnabit, now why didn’t we think of that? I bet Palin’s going to announce she’s running for president now.”
Hardly. Reporters following Palin noticed a desk plaque under the driver’s seat of her bus that read “Führer Palin.”