THE PEARLY GATES — After several news organizations filed repeated Freedom of Information Act requests for transcripts of Texas Gov. Rick Perry’s prayers, a spokesperson for Heaven, Inc. said he can’t release something that doesn’t exist.
“Everyone seems to think we have a billion pages of Rick’s prayers, but that’s just not the case,” said Pontious Pilate. “The fact is we haven’t heard from Rick since 1964 when he wanted an Easy-Bake Oven for Christmas.”
Then what was that recent prayer rally in Houston all about?
“You tell me,” said Pilate. “We were up here looking down on that and scratching our heads. All that hooping and hollering and not a single prayer from the lot of them.”
Pilate added that it’s possible Perry and the 30,000 people who attended the prayer rally did make petitions, but Heaven has a filtering system to weed out unacceptable prayers and directs them to their investigation bureau.
“When someone asks for the annihilation of an entire political party or asks to know the whereabouts of the spirit of Josef Goebbels, our switchboard forwards them to our investigator’s office.”
Pilate said Perry often closes his eyes and pauses for a moment of silence, but it isn’t prayers that occupy his thoughts.
“What we’re picking up on are comments such as ‘I bet my hair looks killer in this light.'”
FoxNews rushed to Perry’s defense, saying a malfunction in Heaven is responsible for them not receiving the governor’s prayers.
“They need to look into their system,” said Greta Van Susteren. “This is another example of the liberals taking pot shots at Rick Perry. Heaven is full of liberals and bleeding hearts, and they’re probably just throwing the governor’s prayers out to make him look bad.”
Pilate said that wouldn’t be possible, given Heaven’s state-of-the-art prayer retrieval system.
“Like I said, Rick’s prayers probably went to the investigator’s office. You’d have to file another FOIA request to get them from him. That’s a totally different agency, but I have to warn you. They’re backlogged. They’re still trying to sort out Ken Starr’s prayers to please let him get something on Hillary.”
Van Susteren dismissed Pilate’s statements and launched into a commentary of the famous trial where Pilate, then the Prefect of the Roman province of Judea, authorized the crucifixion of Jesus.
“Get a life, Greta,” Pilate said. “While you’re at it, why don’t you pray for a makeover. Oh, wait. You had one. You might pray for a refund then.”