MOUNT SINAI — Saints Peter and Paul, who share joint command of the office that supervises quality control of Heavenly, Inc. products, said today they are recalling millions of defective humans. The announcement came after billions of prayers pleading for divine intervention in American politics clogged switchboards and forced God to cancel a week-long trip to Palm Beach, Fla.
“We’ve had these kinds of prayers before,” St. Peter said, “but we’ve never had this number of them. Sarah, our switchboard manager, said she logged 10 million prayers in five minutes alone after Michele Bachmann said Hurricane Irene was an act of God. Our boss was not happy she said that. The Big Guy wasn’t even around when that happened. He was in Santa Barbara talking to Oprah.”
The two eminent saints released a statement from God, who hasn’t been heard from since 1987 when He told evangelist Oral Roberts he’d kill him if he didn’t raise millions of dollars for construction of a faith-based medical center. In today’s release, God said recent behavior and statements from certain humans force Him to take action and recall those “creations who are clearly flawed and pose a threat to the greater good of the human race.”
St. Paul said Bachmann’s statements have especially troubled God.
“We all know no prophet has ever come out of Minnesota,” he said. “You see, the world is divided into prophet zones. We strictly monitor when and from where prophets can emerge. No one is scheduled to come from Minnesota for another five thousand years. Rep. Bachmann is clearly an imposter, and is high on the list of humans to be recalled. Now Minnesota lobbyists did try to get us to move them up the list by naming a city after me, but rules are rules.”
The saints pointed out that this recall is not to be confused with the Rapture, an event that continues to cause evangelical Christians much angst, but is simply a move to rid the world of defective humans who are malfunctioning.
“We admit this should have been done ages ago,” St. Peter said.
While the saints could not release a complete list of humans subject to recall, they said Rick Perry, Fred Phelps, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Ann Coulter, Camilla Parker Bowles, Justin Bieber and the entire Detroit Lions football team should start packing their bags. The recall is expected to begin Wednesday at dawn and should be completed by noon.
“We will not supply replacements for those recalls, so please don’t ask,” St. Peter said. “We will, though, keep a watchful eye on further signs of human malfunction. We’re currently monitoring reports of suspected bad behavior from several U.S. Supreme Court justices.”
St. Peter said the decision of the court to give George W. Bush the presidency in 2000 put them on the “watch list.”
“They’re walking a thin line,” he said. “Oh, and friends of Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer might want to give her a heads up that we’re watching her, too.”
The saints said the number of prayers asking for intervention topped the previous record which occurred in 2010 in the days leading up to the New Orleans Saints and the Indianapolis Colts matchup in the Super Bowl.
“Our tracking devices indicated that 99 percent of those prayers originated in New Orleans,” St. Paul said.