CORNPONE, IOWA — As Libyan rebels continue their successful drive to oust troubled leader Muammar Gadhafi, several GOP presidential candidates are courting the dictator with the hope he’ll join one of their campaigns.
“Oh, gosh, I hope he picks me,” said U.S. Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN). “I’d take him in a New York minute, what with all that charisma he has and his people skills. We’d make a wonderful team.”
Gadhafi hasn’t indicated which team he’ll join, playing coy as rockets explode around him and trusted advisors take to the hills.
“I haven’t decided what I’ll do,” Gadhafi said, as if he has all the time in the world. “I like Ms. Bachmann’s style, but Gov. Perry has also made an attractive offer. He has all those prisons in his state, and I could do a lot with that.”
A source close to Texas Gov. Rick Perry spoke on the condition of anonymity because the last person on his staff to blab to the press is serving a life sentence on trumped-up charges.
“Now, I shouldn’t be telling you anything, especially after what they did to Andy,” the source, Laura Bush, said, “but the governor promised Gadhafi he’d make him the Grand Inquisitor if he came on board. That’s going to be a new cabinet seat when Perry wins. That’s all I can say because I have to go straighten up George’s library. He has all the Dr. Seuss titles scrambled up again.”
Other Republican candidates have met with Gadhafi with hopes of also luring him to their teams, but the soon-to-be exiled Libyan leader scoffed at their offers.
“Ha! Mitt Romney faints at the sight of blood,” Gadhafi said. “I shot three people in front of him when he was over the other day, and that candy ass about lost his lunch. No balls.”
A Gadhafi aide said his boss is leaning toward accepting an offer from Bachmann because she’s promised Gadhafi he can meet Justin Bieber.
“He’s a pretty, pretty boy,” Gadhafi said with a leer. “I would start my harem with him.”
Bachmann said that was fine with her as long as Gadhafi had no plans to marry Bieber.
“I’m not going to have any sinning and heathen activities going on when I’m in the White House,” Bachmann said. “No, sir. Not on my watch.”
Bachmann then instructed an aide to make a check out to Gadhafi for $20 million from campaign donations.
“Just say it’s for incidentals,” Bachmann said. “Those people are stupid. I’ll just say I paid him out of federal subsidies.”
Gadhafi’s office, while he still has one, said the leader is expected to make a decision later today.
“I bet he picks me,” said Perry. “I mean, golly, I run Texas pretty much like he ran Libya. Yeah, he’d be right at home here.”