AUSTIN — In a demonstration of certainty that he will be the Republican presidential candidate, Texas Gov. Rick Perry today announced his running mate, a move that sent U.S. Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) scrambling for one of her own.
“I want to introduce you to someone you all love,” Perry said on the steps of the Texas capitol. “After carefully examining the stellar candidates available to me, I’ve picked someone who best represents the ideals Americans have always fought for, the values we cherish and the methods we employ to reach our goals. My choice for a running mate for the office of President of the United States is Foghorn Leghorn.”
The two people who gathered for the announcement, both identified as members of the Perry family, shifted their tobacco from one cheek to the other and screamed their support for Leghorn. Five minutes later, however, the famous rooster had not appeared on the capitol steps, causing Perry and his staff to look for him in the bushes and under the porch.
While members of Perry’s staff tried to locate Foghorn Leghorn, Perry ad-libbed in an attempt to cover up what was clearly becoming an embarrassment.
“I chose Mr. Leghorn because, well, frankly, I liked how he’d go after that dog with a two-by-four,” Perry said as he stalled for time. “Now that’s how you take care of business. Whomp ’em upside the head. That’ll get their attention and let ’em know that’s how we do things in Texas.”
When Foghorn Leghorn finally appeared, he seemed to be surprised by Perry’s announcement.
“What’s the big … Ah say, what’s the big idea interruptin’ my nap?” Foghorn Leghorn asked. “Look at me when ahm talkin’ to you, boy. Now what’s all this about?”
Perry explained he was announcing Foghorn Leghorn’s entry into the presidential race as his running mate. After a few seconds, Foghorn grinned and turned to the crowd of two.
“This boy’s so dumb,” he said, gesturing to Perry, “he thinks a Mexican border pays rent.”
David Gregory, host of NBC’s “Meet The Press,” asked Foghorn if he thought the Republicans could inject vigor into the failing economy and create jobs.
“Lookit here, son, Ah say, son,” Foghorn said. “I don’t know nothing’ ’bout this appointment. The governor is strictly G.I. … Gibberin’ Idiot, that is.”
After Gregory asked more questions and Perry’s bottom lip began to tremble, Foghorn emphasized he wasn’t interested in politics. At that point, Perry slumped over the podium.
“Stand up, son. You’re fallin’ all over yourself,” Foghorn told Perry. “You gotta learn to stand up on your own two feet.”
After a tearful pleading from the Texas governor, Foghorn peeled Perry off his legs and said once again he would not get into politics, adding that his contract with Warner Brothers prohibits it. Despite desperate cries and pleas from Perry, Foghorn walked off the capitol steps and muttered, “That Perry, he’s about, ah say, he’s about as sharp as a bowling ball.”
As the governor walked up the steps, muttering aloud if anyone knew how to get in touch with Tweety Bird, Perry campaign spokesperson Iwanna Peter scrambled to the podium and introduced the governor’s new closing statement for all news conferences.
“Tha tha tha that’s all folks!”