DETROIT — An announcement today sent shock waves throughout the world as the Boogeyman announced his retirement, claiming there are entities more frightening than him, namely Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann and the Tea Party.
“I saw this coming back in 2008,” the Boogeyman said on the steps of the Michigan Unemployment Office. “As soon as I saw Sarah Palin and heard her speak, I knew my days of being the premiere fright factor were over.”
Boogeyman said he fought to hold on to his No. 1 position, but the final blow came with the arrival of Bachmann.
“Who can compete with that?” he asked. “I mean, have you heard her? Jesus, she scares even me. I’ve even used her name to make my own kids behave. All I have to do is say ‘Kids if you don’t behave this minute, Michele Bachman is gonna get you.’ Holy Moley, you should see their faces go white. Not a peep outta them for days.”
The Boogeyman patiently waited in line to file for unemployment, although he said he did have offers from the GOP, the Tea Party and Rick Perry’s campaign headquarters. None of them interested him, he said.
“I just can’t compete. They do things that send chills up my spine. I mean where do they come up with their stuff? I was talking to my friend the Grim Reaper the other day, and he said he won’t go within a hundred miles of any of those people. They’re just too dang scary.”
People throughout the world said they’re saddened to see the Boogeyman go. Millions of parents wonder how they’ll get their children to behave now without having the Boogeyman to fall back on.
“I’d use his name to make my kids mind me,” said Georgina Baker of Sunray, Texas. “I could use the Boogeyman cause it would scare the kids just enough to make them behave for awhile.”
Baker said she wouldn’t dream of using Bachmann, Palin or the Tea Party as a substitute for the Boogeyman.
“Are you insane?” she asked. “I used the Boogeyman to scare my kids. Using those other names would flat out kill them of fright. What kind of monster parent do you think I am?”
The Boogeyman said he’s willing to make special appearances when only a mild scare is needed.
“My name just doesn’t have the impact it once did,” he said. “You say my name and it’s like a mild shock. You use Bachmann, Palin or the Tea Party to scare somebody, and that’s like putting them in the electric chair.”
Unfortunately, the Boogeyman will have to find other employment since an official at the unemployment office told him he doesn’t qualify for unemployment, causing other people in line to hiss and boo.
“We don’t make the rules,” said unemployment spokesperson Juanita Jones. “I’d give him a check if it were up to me, but the Tea Party done forced Congress to cut our budgets.”
At the mention of the Tea Party, 50 people in the unemployment line fainted. Many others ran for the door, including the Boogeyman.
“To hell with that check,” he screamed as he ran. “Just don’t say that name again. You trying to give me a heart attack?”