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Hugh Hefner Announces Engagement To Madea

06 Aug

By Steve Ramos

LOS ANGELES – For some people, the rebound is more like a ricochet. Just days after 25-year-old Crystal Harris dropped fiancé Hugh Hefner, the Playboy founder said he’s getting married after all. And this time, he claims, he’s really in love.

“I want everyone to know that I’ve set a new wedding date,” Hefner said today on the steps on the Playboy Mansion. “The woman I was meant to be with has been right beside me all the time. Tomorrow, Madea and I will be married in a small ceremony in Georgia.”

With Madea beside him, Hefner answered reporter’s questions and cast off suggestions he was marrying in response to being jilted.

“I gave this a lot of thought,” he said. “I drove around the estate in my Hoveround, thinking about all of the wonderful qualities Madea has and what a wonderful wife she’ll be. I just wish I had married her a long time ago.”

“That’s right,” Madea said. “You shoulda gone and married me back then ’stead of runnin ’round actin’ the fool. Then you wouldn’t be out all that money that ho done took you for.”

When Vera Wang, in an obvious attempt to solicit business, asked Madea if she planned to marry in a designer gown, she fired back.

“What the hell kind of question is that?” she asked. “You sayin’ there’s sumpin’ wrong with what I got on? Lemme tell you sumpin’. I done wore this here dress to court, bingo, a dozen church suppers and 15 funerals. There ain’t a damn thing wrong with it. Girl, I done seen some of yo outfits. Hell, I got dishrags look better.”

Hefner said he and Madea plan a long honeymoon in order to give workers enough time to remodel the infamous mansion where Playboy models famously partied for decades.

“We gonna deho this house,” Madea said. “That’s right. D-E-H-O. Too much bad energy up in here. I’m a Christian woman, and I ain’t about to start my marriage off in a place where every ho in America sat her skinny ass down in. No, sir, I ain’t.”

Madea stopped the questioning when she asked what the clattering noise was she was hearing.

“That you making that noise, Hugh?” she asked. “Those your dentures clackin’? I done told you how that gets on my nerves. Now shut the hell up before I hit you so hard they’ll arrest your ass in Washington for speedin’.”

Angelina Jolie, who was at the Playboy mansion to pick up her Tupperware, asked Madea if she didn’t think it was improper for Hefner to marry given that it has been only days since Harris canceled their wedding. Madea fired back.

“Improper? What the hell you mean improper?” Madea told Jolie. “The only thing improper is all them drawings on yo body, girl. What the hell you mean scribblin’ on yoself like that? Don’t you know yo body is a temple? And one more thing, I best not run into that ho Crystal cause I put something on her ass time and Ajax won’t take off. Yes, I will. She better ax somebody bout me. Yes, sir, she better. And she gonna give everthing back she done took from my man.”

Madea quickly responded to a question when she was asked how she felt about remarks Harris made to People magazine.

“What that ho say?” Madea asked.

“She said she’s not afraid of you and that if you messed with her she would ‘slap the shit out of you,’” said Lisa Ling, reporting for The Hollywood Reporter.

“She say that?” Madea asked. “Well lemme tell you. She better slap out the flavor she like cause when she done, she gonna eat it.”

 
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Posted by on August 6, 2011 in Humor

 

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