Army Ants Accused Of War Crimes, Genocide

04 Aug

By Steve Ramos

RIO DE JANEIRO – In an effort to show their humanitarian side, Mexican drug traffickers today released a video that has brought international scrutiny on a colony of Brazilian army ants and a possible war crime investigation by Amnesty International.

“The video is shocking,” said Amnesty International President Andrew Weiner. “I’ve never seen anything like it. Clearly war crimes were committed in this unprovoked attack, and it could possibly be called genocide.”

Weiner said he immediately tweeted images from the video to various colleagues who released comments expressing their shock and outrage.

“Oh, like they’ve never seen anything like that,” Weiner said. “Crybabies.”

In the video, available on Al Jazeera and on Kentucky’s KORN-TV, the army ants are seen attacking a neighboring colony of red ants long known for their pacifist leanings and simple lifestyle. The army ants launched the morning attack while the red ants were milking their aphids, catching them in a defenseless position. The Mexican drug traffickers filmed the battle and then called Amnesty International to advise them of a possible war crime.

“Me and Tonio we were going to meet our connect, I mean our mother, in the jungle when we saw this battle,” said Pedro “El Loco” Gonzales. “I told Tonio ‘Look, carnal. Those army ants are doing what we did last week to that other cartel.’”

Gonzales said during an interview with Gayle King this morning he was repulsed by the violent attack, adding that he and his associates are working to eradicate that kind of brutal behavior in the Americas.

“We don’t play that,” Gonzales said. “Chopping off heads and kidnapping that’s one thing, but they were killing the little aphids, too. Pobrecitos. How you gonna kill the aphids?”

Weiner said Amnesty International contacted Gen. Murilo Borges Moretti, head of the army ants, but the elusive leader hasn’t returned calls.

“We think he’s hiding out in a cave in Chile,” Weiner said. “Clearly he’s being supported and protected by sympathetic followers, probably a gang of rogue monarch butterflies we’ve been watching for some time.”

The carnage left an indelible mark on Gonazles.

“We’re afraid now to go into the jungle,” he said. “Who’s next? Maybe we might have to pay the army ants to let us pick up our dope, I mean our poor little mother’s tortillas. We sell them for her in the United States.”

Several world leaders have pledged their support to find Moretti and his army and bring them to justice.

“This is clearly an act of genocide, and we join our allies in condemning the attack on the red ants,” said French President Nicolas Sarkozy. “My country is committed to doing nothing, nor will we allow the use of our air space. And if Gen. Borges Moretti attacks France, we will surrender and wait for liberation from our allies.”


Posted by on August 4, 2011 in Humor



2 responses to “Army Ants Accused Of War Crimes, Genocide

  1. Lane (@islalane)

    August 4, 2011 at 8:04 pm

    Wagon, that was hilarious!

  2. Anonymous

    October 7, 2011 at 11:33 am

    LOL! That is a true masterpiece! You should be writing for Saturday Night Live!


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